Teeth

Today we are reviewing a movie we rented last week called Teeth. It is about a woman with vagina dentata (teeth in her vagina that bite off men's penises) and how she learns about it and controls it over time. I thought it was excellently done!


Worst movie ever!


Oh, come on now Penis, you didn't like Teeth? But the acting was so well done and the movie managed to be both funny and scary without being all Attack of The Killer Tomatoes about it. I loved that they approached the concept from a very innocent point of view and allowed us to follow her from the moment she figured out she was different until she knew exactly what it was and had learned with great power comes great responsibility.


Worst movie ever!


Dawn O'Keefe did an excellent job as Jess, the young woman with the newfound dental problem. She really wonderfully showed the arc that Jess followed from innocent young girl to a woman that could never be described as innocent.


No, seriously, worst movie ever! It was about attacking penises!


No it wasn't, Penis, it was about Jess discovering her own internal superpower of sorts and learning how it impacts her life.


Don't lie to me, I was sitting right there watching it with you! It was about unleashing a horror of horrors upon penises! Worst movie ever!


Poor Penis! Obviously this movie had a profound impact on you. How about for our next movie we review something that doesn't have any penises or vaginas in it at all, like Harry Potter 6?


Wait, doesn't Daniel Radcliffe get naked and kill some horses in that one?


No, that is the Broadwy show Equus. Equus was a stunning show but it is not, in fact, related to Harry Potter in any way.


Okay then, that sounds like a good choice for next time.


Glad we are agreed. As for Teeth I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

It gets no inches from me!

That's just fine, Penis. Next time we will pick a movie that isn't so frightening for you.

The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3

Today we are reviewing The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3, starring Denzel Washington and John Travolta. John Travolta is one of those guys who can do two roles very well. He can do Sinister Bad Guy or Hip Cool Guy. Anything else is unbelievable.


You know, I think you are right about that Penis. I don't think I've ever seen him successfully play any other character except for Edna Turnblad in the Hairspray movie. I liked him as the bad guy in this movie though I thought he was somewhat unbelievable at times.

I don't even think this movie is worth a review, frankly. It wasn't very good.

It wasn't my favorite movie either. The entire premise was that these guys took several train cars hostage for money and Denzel Washington tried to talk them out of it. It wasn't worth paying to see in the theaters.

And the whole thing about that kid having internet access in the subway tunnel was the least believeable part of the whole movie! Nobody gets any kind of signal in the subway for their phones or the internet.

That's true, Penis. Overall I think that if someone is looking for a suspenseful action movie that they are better off seeing something else. If you must see this movie I recommend renting the original with Walter Matthau and Jerry Stiller.

Wait a minute...Walter Matthau and Jerry Stiller? Are we talking about the same movie?

Yes we are! The original in 1974 had quite a cast and would be worth renting just to see Walter Matthau do something that isn't The Odd Couple. Most people my age only remember him from that and Grumpy Old Men.

Well I guess you learn something new every day! Overall I give this movie 1 out of 7 inches.

And I would have to give it 1 out of 4 stars. Here's hoping out next movie pick will be a little more entertaining!

My Life In Ruins

Whew! After moving across town and then dealing with a tremendous amount of flooding in our new apartment we are finally ready to get back to reviewing movies! Our first movie review since our triumphant return is the newest Nia Vardalos film, My Life in Ruins. What did you think about this movie, Penis?

Newest? What else has she done besides My Big Fat Greek Wedding?

She wrote and starred in a movie called Connie and Carla, about two women running from the mob who survive by pretending to be drag queens. It was quite good actually.

I totally believe Nia Vardalos could be a convincing drag queen.

That isn't very nice, Penis. Despite all of that what did you think of this movie?

It was cute and funny. Anything with Richard Dreyfuss is funny!

Really? Is that so, Penis? Jaws was funny?

Heck yeah! Watch that movie again sometime...that shark is so obviously fake.

I am going to respectfully disagree with you on that one. Richard Dreyfuss was very funny in this movie though. There were lots of other really funny people in this movie too, like Harland Williams and Rachel Dratch.

I found the Greek name joke kind of stupid...Poopie and Doodie Cacas? Wow, so clever.

Wow, you are being kind of judgemental for someone who spends most of his time hiding behind a zipper!

Yeah, because movie reviews are never judgemental. We're reviewing a movie here, remember?

Touche'. I have to say that there were some parts of the movie that didn't really work for me either. The first 10 minutes or so seemed very stilted, almost as if they were tacked on to add some length at the last minute. After that though the writing was brilliant.

I really like Nia Vardalos, especially when she showed off her boobs!

She never did that!

In my version of the movie she did!

Penis, we have to review the actual movie, not the nudie version you made up as you went along. I really like seeing Nia Vardalos on screen. She always seems so genuine and has such a wonderful chemistry with the other actors.

I will admit she is a great actress. She does funny and compassionate really well.

And I loved seeing the Greek ruins play such a vital part in this movie. It was refreshing to see a movie filmed in such a visually appealing setting.

Uh...okay. I disagree. For Greek art there were surprisingly few naked statues.

Sigh. You have such a one track mind, Penis. Overall I have to say that this movie was really good and I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

I liked it but I didn't think it was that great. I give it 4 1/2 inches out of 7.

I am very much looking forward to buying it when it comes out on DVD! Who knows, maybe it will have artfully sculpted breasts in the special features just for you.

That would add another inch or so!

Hooray!

We moved at the end of May and, due to some unforseen circumstances, were without internet. We will be back shortly with our next movie review!

Angels and Demons

Last week Ben and I went to see Angels and Demons.

Yeah, but he isn't running this show, so let's get around to my opinion of the movie!

Okay, okay! Don't be in such a hurry, Penis! I was just explaining to the people how we chose Angels and Demons for our first movie to review. Ben wanted to see Star Trek and I wanted to see Obsessed so we compromised and decided to see Angels and Demons instead. I was pleasantly surprised by the movie, actually.

I liked it too, which was surprising considering I only heard it because SOMEONE forgot to sit in the front row.

{Sorry, Penis}

Sometimes Ben needs to pipe in. I try to keep him limited to no more than 3 words at a time. That's usually more than he can handle without my guidance anyway.

I haven't read the book yet so I didn't come into the theater with any preconceived notions. I thought the pacing of the movie was excellent and there was never a point when the story or the action was dragging in any way. I loved the camera work in the Large Hadron Collider--

What's a Large Hadron Collider?

It is a particle accelerator that is used in the movie to create anti-matter.

Gotcha. Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. Oh, wait, yeah I did!

Anyway, I thought the camera movement in the collider was awesome and the special effects with the anti-matter and the explosions were very well done.

I loved the level of intrigue in this movie. Conspiracy theories, secret societies, puzzles hidden in ancient text and artwork...I tell ya, this movie keeps you on the edge of your seat! One thing I liked about the film was that you didn't need to see it, hearing was enough. (I still want to SEE the next film, Ben, so aim for front row next time!) And the ending where the bad guy was the--

PENIS! Don't ruin the ending for everyone!

Sorry Rachael, you know how excited I get.

Yes, yes I do. Anyway, back to the review, I thought Tom Hanks did a wonderful job as Professor Langdon and I loved Stellan Skarsgaard as the head of the Swiss Guard. Ewan MacGregor gave a stellar performance as well.

The soundtrack was decent and unobtrusive. The dialogues between characters were well put together and well acted, and the popcorn at that theater was just warm enough.

What does the popcorn have to do with anything?

It would be important to you too if it had been sitting on top of you for almost two hours.

{Sorry again, Penis}

Ah, I see. Overall, I give the movie 3 1/2 out of 4 stars. Very well done and much better than I expected! It was worth the money paid to see it in the theater.

I thought this movie was great. I give it 8 out of 9 inches.

Penis, I have to tell you something that might be hard for you to hear. You can't give any movie we see a rating of more than 7 inches.

Okay, okay, 6 out of 7.

That sounds about right. So anyway, Angels and Demons was an excellent movie. It is definitely worth seeing!

I concur, Rachael. I love the word concur! I so rarely get to use it in a sentence.

Penis, concur is a fairly common word. Why don't you get to use it more often?

Because so I rarely agree with anyone about anything because everyone is usually wrong about everything! It is the gift and curse of being a genius.

Sure it is, Penis. Sure it is.